In 2019, I had a regular follow up/MRI of my brain on April Fool’s day, 14 years to the day since my first brain surgery. I had been having regular “head shots” since 2005, and I honestly thought this would be an annual norm for the rest of my life. For those of you who have to get regular scans to monitor something that tried to kill you, you understand the stress you feel each time you get that scan. You can feel perfectly normal, but something will happen that makes you think the result might be bad. It’s agonizing to say the least.

Well, 2019 was no different. Even after years and years of good news, there’s always some doubt. But no need to doubt because my head shot was perfect. I saw my oncologist, who confirmed tumor board had agreed my scan was stable and they would continue to monitor. At this visit with Dr. KK, she told me she was retiring. I immediately felt sad, which instantly turned into happiness for her. She has been a fantastic Doctor to me and to all of her patients. We have been lucky to have her in this fight with us. My thoughts turned to who I would follow up with. I didn’t want an oncologist who didn’t understand what I’d been through. And then it hit me, Dr. Schneider, my radiation oncologist! I asked Dr. KK if I could follow up with him when she left. She said he didn’t usually do that, but he probably would for me. I’ll admit that I like the notoriety.

A few days after my visit with Dr. KK, my neurosurgeon’s office called me. They started telling me all of the things I already knew. Your scan was unchanged, Dr. Modha said it looks good. I’m thinking, I already know this. My oncologist told me, just as we’d done for the past 14 years. But then they told me something that shocked me: Dr. Modha said we will follow up in 3 years with a scan. Wait, what? OK. To be honest, I didn’t quite know how to feel. But I also knew that if I had any symptoms they would now take me seriously. So, OK, 3 years…

Dr. Schneider had agreed to follow up with me annually. I met up with him in 2020, before COVID vaccines were approved and while everyone was still terrified. It was nice to be able to talk with him while my brain was fully functional. I had seen him weekly during my radiation treatments, but I was never “me.” I walked in with black slacks and a blouse. The staff taking temperatures were surprised to find out I was a patient. I was dressed to go to work afterward. When I left the clinic, my husband noticed something strange on my pants. I had sat in bleach! Everything was being cleaned with bleach between patients. My sense of tumor kicked in, and I said, “oh well, they saved my life, it’s worth a pair of pants.” I turned those pants over to my friend Peggy, who turned them into a wonderful mixture of colors. I now wear those pants every time I go to the oncologist just to tell the story.

I’m glad I had a break in medical treatments, because COVID-19 tore through all of our lives like an invisible serial killer. I am thankful I was able to work through all of the chaos and not be sick myself. I didn’t quite know how to be afraid of COVID. I think I’ve already had the most frightening diagnosis I can ever imagine. The thing about a pandemic is that it isn’t lonely. We are all affected. With brain cancer, you can have a great support group, but it’s still so very lonely. My heart goes out to anyone facing an illness when our medical staff was so consumed by this horrible pandemic. God bless all of our heros on the front lines, dedicated to our well being. We can never thank them enough.

Three years went by relatively quickly. A couple of weeks ago, I had my “head shot.” For extra fun, we added an MRA to the mix. My mother had been diagnosed with 3 aneurysms, which she had surgery for during the pandemic. My friend Debbie, who works with my neurosurgeons, had informed me this can be hereditary and added this test to check my brain for aneurysms. After my scan, Debbie reset my shunt, and she told me there was no sign of aneurysms. After seeing what my mom went through with her surgeries, I was relieved not to have to worry about that.

The next day, I saw Dr. Schneider. I wore my previously black/stained/multicolored pants. I thought after two years we might be mask free, but not yet. Because of this, I couldn’t see Dr. Schneider’s expression when he told me that tumor board had met and decided we can stop doing scans. I truly thought he was joking. He had to be. This was never in the cards for me. I’ve been trying to absorb all of this for the past couple of weeks. So here it is, my list of things that were never in the cards:

1. Living to see my 30th birthday
2. Living to see my 1st wedding anniversary
3. Driving a car
4. Returning to work as a pharmacist
5. Seeing my nieces and Godkids grow up
6. Living, Laughing, Loving, and Learning

I am now 45, working full time (32 hours/week) as a pharmacist, have been married for almost 17 years, have 3 amazing Godkids, 4 beautiful nieces, an adoring and adorable husband, and all the love and laughter I need in this life. I’d say I won.